Dunking Rachael: My First Christmas Free Christmas!

Friday, December 24, 2010

My First Christmas Free Christmas!

Clearly I am a Jew By Choice...A Covert....

I have detailed many times my personal struggles and the complicated nature of this type of choice. Today is December 24th, and all is well, well for the most part. The main sticking point currently is in how to manage honoring one's parents/family and following one's heart, aka Judaism. This is clearly summed up in today and tomorrow.

Shabbat, December 25th 2010. I have decided that we (my husband and myself) will go to services and then drive to my parents home to honor them and be with them on their holiday. I can not figure out any other way that can hold both desires.

It is an odd feeling...this is basically my first almost totally Jewish Christmas. With the exception of visiting my parents, there has been no Christian/Christmas type activities on my part. The past three years had been difficult because of my daughter, who with my conversion lost Christmas, but now that she has gone on her own adventure, moving across the country, I have no pressure to have a tree etc.

Yet this odd feeling continues....I'm not regretting anything about my choice, it is just that old conundrum of very few Jewish memories and many many childhood christian ones. I keep asking my husband about his life experiences...his memories of December from his childhood... but then I kind-of feel like a memory vampire, taking his memories because I have none.

The energy about Christmas is all around me, despite living in a fairly Jewish area. You just can't hide from it. I work with children and families and Christmas talk has been happening for weeks. The music in my building has been Christmas themed for the entire month. My husband says he like Christmas carols, that they don't bother him. For me once again it is complicated, they are connected to memories, and childhood times of excitement and wonder waiting for Christmas and Santa. It is almost like I have to block the songs to keep from feeling odd at this time of year.

For those of you born Jewish this might be hard to understand. I just want to "feel Jewish." I want to not even have a thought about Christmas...yet right now it doesn't appear that I am close to that!

sooo Shabbat Shalom...and take a moment to consider the Jews By Choice you might know. Reach out to them at services, because they may need Jewish memories too!

1 comment:

Cathy said...: I am in the process of conversion, and should go to the mikveh around Chanukah. I think you are taking a wrong approach to "feeling Jewish." There is certainly no need to repress your childhood memories of Christian holidays. It is part of your life, and it was a happy time. It's worth remembering. I understand the lack of Jewish memories, too, because I'm there. But you live in a predominantly Christian culture. You're going to hear Christmas carols, see trees, and remember your childhood. There is no way you can help it, short of becoming a hermit from late October to January. Your husband has the right idea. Enjoy the musicality of the carols, and the beauty of the trees. Remember Christmas past without guilt.; February 26, 2011 at 6:18 PM

Post a Comment

Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.