Living Jewish...Being Jewish

April of 2008 I married my beloved husband. What a journey...sometimes when I think about it, it feels almost like some sort of odd reality TV show: "Living Jewish...Being Jewish."

 In the beginning the emphasis was on soaking up all that I could. I attended every lecture and class. I read multiple books at once and went to every service that I could possibly attend. In those early days, I was obsessed with "doing Jewish." I tried to "pass" (be taken as a born Jew by other born Jews) and spent much time observing and learning not only the obvious, Torah, Kashrut, Hebrew ..etc..but also the complex social/community structure around me. I dived deep into the pool hoping that acceptance and belonging would soon follow. I think I have been fortunate in comparison to some of my fellow Jews by Choice. The community that I call my spiritual home, has been welcoming and accepting of me in every way. So much so  that I was elected to the board of the synagogue. This is the great place to end this...a convert who has assimilated,  engaged  and can pass......

Ahhh but if it could be that simple...that black and white....

"What is a Jew?" is a loaded yet simple question depending on the questioner. Over the arc of these past five years I have shifted,  gone to extremes and moderated multiple times. Life has collaborated and resisted, intervening with all it's joys and sorrows.  What began as 'doing Jewish" slid to "feeling Jewish" and has landed in a place of "being Jewish."

 Over these past years I have become Jewish...sometimes, perhaps after a bit too much Shabbat wine, I muse I was Jewish all along. I love the idea that all Jews in the past, present and future were at Sinai. Yet  I believe my "being Jewish"  has corresponded with an easing, a surrender of sorts. A surrender to the idea that all of my life's experiences, make me who I am; The Catholic, Unitarian Universalist and Buddhist ones included. There is the idea that when one chooses to convert all that was before that point is dead. We are born again, to borrow a phrase, into our new Jewish selves. I tried to implement some version of that earlier in my journey. Yet like most ideas, dogmas and plans time has a way of smoothing things out and taking the sharpness away. I truly believe I am a better Jew because of my past, because of the act of choosing. I can not erase my memories like an outdated computer hard drive. I have found that embracing all of me...not just the newer Jewish parts, empowers my faith and my joy. 

What is the Smell of 2340 Hanukkah Candles?

It’s the smell of VICTORY!

This week my Synagogue, The Merrick Jewish Centre, broke the Guinness Record for the most menorahs lit at the same time in one place. I was on the small committee who came up with this crazy idea and implemented it!  The idea came out of our  Synagogue Innovation Committee which is attempting to promote and lead to culture change in our beloved community, to gain more involved members and to increase spiritual awakening in all....to have folks be the Synagogue not be consumers of Synagogue services..."LIGHT UP THE NIGHT"  was our kick off event to engage and hopefully gain the attention of the Jews in our neighborhood.

I was responsible for electronic/social media ...I am so happy we got mentioned around the world! A fellow committee member took the video below and wrote:

"Every once in a while, an idea immediately captures the imagination and spirit of a community. Mazel Tov to all who participated. YOU DID MAKE HISTORY"

But this was even bigger , this was a community  event and there were folks from many different streams of Judaism ...Reform, Conservative and Modern Orthodox... also folks who maybe set foot in a  Synagogue once a year. This is the modern Hanukkah gift, to light the light of enthusiasm, spirit and joy. To connect folks to their birthright, their faith or their religion of choice is a goal worth having. Some thought this was a silly thing to do, others complained that we were not religious enough, but in the end we touched our community and just maybe someone might decide to light shabbat candles tonight, or show up on Saturday...that would be a good thing!

 .

Last Week I Became a Woman LOL...

Ok...Done!
The Bat Mitzvah came off lovely. I feel good that I completed the task. In the end, it really didn't matter who came to support me. It was about me and my commitment and my Kavana, my intent and spirituality.

When I worked in the hospital as a social worker, I worked in positions that bluntly were about death and dying. I must have witnessed hundreds of deaths. ultimately, I believe we all die alone regardless of who is in the room. Depending on one's believe system it is between you and the divine, or perhaps just you and you....I know this can come off as morbid, but for me it is not. It is actually comforting. How I choose to be, how I meditate, pray and be in the world are my choice...my action. My actions are my only true belongings. 


The Bar Mitzvah was mine to feel, do and experience. My husband was there and that was wonderful. 

Parashat Vayishlach... Family

We are well within the final countdown to the Haftorah showdown! .... December 10th is our moment. We only have 3 more group practices before the big day, and I have started to hear the portions and prayers in my sleep. truly, I have dreams with the prayers as the sound tracks. I do need for this to be done.

This pending ritual has also brought out some family of origin discomfort. My family, Catholics, have been supportive of me and my second husband, but I do think this very public declaration of my Jewishness is causing some emotional ripples. It saddens me that this is starting to surface in what I perceive as unconscious ways, on the part of my family. Not a single family member will be able to attend this event despite weeks and weeks of notice. Perhaps I was being unrealistic to think someone from my family would come, but none the less it was my hope. 

Being a convert at times is a lonely road. I am different from the most of the other women who are joining me on the 10th. Some of them them are having over 50 people come. I do feel a bit jealous that they are so supported. I have managed to cobble together 14 folks, friends and one of my husband's daughters and his brother and his partner.

 I can not help but reflect on our Torah reading. It is after all about family, forgiveness and continuity but it is also about transformation.All this preparation for the big day has helped me  notice how much I have changed over the past 5 years...so much has changed. Overall I am still clear and content with my choices, but the melancholia of December is starting to hit, and the recent issues (not worth detailing)  with my parents and one of my siblings is hitting home how diffident I have become. The brothers in the Torah portion manage to put their disastrous history behind them, with an after all family is family attitude. Unfortunately I am not feeling that from mine....just a little sad.

why Write?

Inspiration comes from many avenues and it is clear I have not been  inspired in any way for many many months...yet something happened last night that switched the switch..lit the fire...well you get the point. What flashed like a neon sign in my head

 "only 20 something days left until my Bat Mitzvah." 


This event has been sucking my life force away moment by moment. If you read through this blog there will be many themes which emerge. One, perfectionism, is my curse. I have been slain by Hebrew and troup! As a person with admitted learning disabilities I have struggled all my life to put into context my abilities and  how I perceive myself as a thinking educated person. This slow motion march to mediocrity has been a drain on my self esteem (only to a point) and has pushed some of my least admirable behaviors.  I have struggled with the multi leveled interpersonal issues of the class.....very strong personalities...no need to go further there...I have struggled with it all. Now please do not get the wrong idea, I am not sitting here ringing my hands in an anxiety fueled cold sweat. About two or so months ago I came to the conclusion I just had to finish what I started. Base line advice I give all parents in my therapy /social work practice...finish what you start! So I have let go of any expectations of being good...I am going for not embarrassing!...but last night's full class on the bima practice was beyond embarrassing! ...but is is almost done.......

almost...........

ReBoot!

Add caption

yes....Reboot...
to start again....
turn over a new leaf....
to wipe the slate clean....
carpe diem....
begin anew
you get the picture........
life moves on......


more to come....

Brain Fog or My Dog Ate My Bat Mitzvah Lesson

It is no secret that this year I officially joined the ranks of “women of a certain age.” For those of you not old enough to be aware of this very special club, that means I turned 50 years old. This mile-stone has co-occurred with my need to wear glasses for both reading and distance, an increase in hot flashes and what my doctor calls “Brain Fog.” Brain Fog….sounds like something I need a special out fit for, perhaps even some matching rubber boots! My doctor keeps reassuring me that I’m “on track” and “normal.” Clearly, it can be reassuring to be on track when you are 5 years old, but to be this kind of normal at 50, well I just call that ….undesirable!

Another co-occurrence, although a self inflicted co-occurrence, is my studying for my adult Bat Mitzvah. It’s odd I don’t really remember volunteering to do it…must be the fog…but there I am every week in the class from hell. Wait, I’m almost sure Jews don’t believe in hell…..The Rabbi appears extremely confident that myself, along with the rest of our motley crew, will be “davenning with the best of them” and singing like angels by our December 10th date. Just makes you want to break out in a chorus of “Girls, Girls, Girls,” except I believe the median age of this group is probably 70. Now try to erase that picture from your mind! ( thinly veiled reference to hair metal band Motley Crue’s big 80’s hit and pole dancing video vixin  filled video)

The above mentioned “occurrences” as my gynecologist likes to call them, combined with my life long issues with learning disabilities…dyslexia et al….make this a herculean task ; that is learning both the Hebrew text and trope (tune). I don’t think that so far it is going too well….I will keep y’all posted!