Sunday, May 4, 2014


This past Shabbat was the second one where my synagogue auditioned a new cantor. Without going into the entire painful back story that is filled with politics, ego, and human beings acting very badly, the entire Shabbat experience made me horribly sad.

My husband is upset for all his reasons, (see prior post) and this mess just adds to his reasons not to go. I went and felt tears welling up many times. The young man they were auditioning was good enough, it's not about him.

I liked the soon to be gone cantor. I also think it goes a bit deeper for me. Bluntly, he is the only Cantor I have regularly experienced. He was new at my synagogue  when I choose to be Jewish and he's soon to be out. Some how I am experiencing this as a loss.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Honor Your Mother and Father Treif

Today is Easter Sunday.
Ordinarily my husband and I would drive to my elderly parents home, 2 hours away, and partake in the the holy grail of treif experiences, Italian Easter diner. Unfortunately, this year due to causes and conditions including a pair of nasty sinus infections we are foregoing the feast. I realized, after calling them to let them know we  couldn't come, how disappointed I am. The Easter extravaganza  which always comes mid Passover is a yearly surreal encounter with a life I no longer live.   I am becoming deeply aware that my connection to that world is growing faint and soon will be no more. Once my parents, who are well into their 80's are no longer, my connections to the world of my childhood will disappear. This thought has been engaging me since my sister's stage 4 cancer diagnosis and the escalation of my mother's frail health episodes. This existential crisis has deep roots and huge questions.

Saturday, April 19, 2014


My husband over the past few years has been through a lot emotionally. Unfortunately this has left him in a deeply conflicted place when it comes to religion and our participation in it. He has stated  that he thinks he is an atheist and that the only reason he goes to synagogue is "because that is where the Jews are."  But now more and more he doesn't want to go to services at all. I  want to go and miss the Jewish rhythm it brings to my week.I don't want to start doing things alone, that is the ghost of marriage/divorce past and not the road I will choose. Yet this dilemma  leaves me in the deeply uncomfortable position of wanting, no, perhaps needing to be more Jewish in my daily activities.

It has been 6 years this month that I choose to be
Jewish. This new phase is is challenging me in ways I didn't see coming . 

Dunking Rachael

Love, Faith and Life