Dunking Rachael: Longings and Existential Loss

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Longings and Existential Loss

I wrote the below on the Empowering Ruth list serve....it is what I am feeling currently.....

I feel lucky to be able to host one Seder for what is left of my husband's family, some adult children and their friends. I am sad that I have been unable to find a 2nd seder for us to go to. Because I converted only a year ago at the age of 47, I feel a strong sense of wanting to make Jewish memories for me. this is something I do struggle with. With no babies to raise, no family/relative expectations to take into account religiousness and ritual is totally a personal expression. My husband is lovely and goes along with me on these adventures but when it comes down to it, why do we choose to do these things?.....Jewish Law? Tradition?..Guilt? ...Love? I realize I feel this odd sense of loss/grief at major holiday times. Not loss of what I left behind in a religious way, but loss of what I will never experience. I find some comfort in using the collective Jewish history for my own, doing holidays and rituals connects me to some history even if it is not a personal one. Other folks my age appear to be stepping back from fully engaging in these types of things...they did it for their kids, their parents. I am in a conservative community, this fits me philosophically, but in practice I feel different....I want to experience the totality of Jewish life....I joke with my husband that I am going to take up with the local Chabad....once again philosophically it wouldn't work, but it points out this schism I am experiencing. I feel somewhat at a loss in my community...but not sure what to do.

2 comments:

Melissa said...: Karen,

I understand your feelings. My prayer for you is that everyday brings you closer to Hashem and your new found home in Judaism.

Shalom!

Melissa; March 26, 2009 at 11:49 AM
Karen Zampa Katz said...: thanks Melissa....

Hope all is well with you....

Karen; March 27, 2009 at 10:19 AM

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Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.