Dunking Rachael: Choosing the Chosen (Part 1)

Monday, August 4, 2008

Choosing the Chosen (Part 1)

so a little background...

I was married for over 20 years and to borrow a phrase from my Buddhist experience, causes and conditions did not manifest to keep me married. In the tradition of not engaging in Lashon Hara, or using the Buddhist language, in honor of Right Speech, I will spare you all and won’t go into the details.

Yet the end of my marriage after such a long time ushered in a period of personal deconstruction the intensity of which I could never had predicted. The reexamining of every aspect of my life, the exile from my home town, (due to complicated financial reasons, and emotional distress I ended up being the one who moved…..) and an extreme change in my standard of living caused for many a personal earthquake.

As all the dust began to settle, I tried to date….(at some point I may write about my E-Harmony experiences and dating gone wrong, but not now….) but changed my mind and decided to just get to know the reemerging me. I decided to go to a divorce group. I wanted to meet some divorced women to hang with. Although my married friends were still there, I had so much more free time than they could ever imagine, and bluntly I was just not the same person I had been before.

Where to find a divorce group became the goal….I have experiencing finding help for others…being a social worker by profession. Yet when I tried to find help for me it became clear that there were three types of groups.

1) Born Again Christian Groups
2) Private Psychotherapy Groups
2) JCC Groups

Well the first two types were unacceptable to me. I didn't need psychotherapy, I had engaged in seeking help during this time period, and was psychologically healing, and no comment on the Born Again option! So the JCC was it. This was not as bizarre a choice for me the Buddhist –UU as it may first appear because my ex-husband is Jewish. A non-practicing Jew, but Jewish non-the less. I experienced holidays with his family and feebly attempted to provide a nominal Jewish understanding for my now grown child while I was married.

So there I was at the JCC the only non-Jew in a group of many women and two men. It was while in this group that I realized not only was I mourning all the losses I experienced, I also was deeply feeling the loss of my "Jewish family." I expressed this often in the group.I was "de-Jewed!" I lost the cycle of the year, and a sense of continuity. This was the sprouting of the seeds of my eventual conversion.

for more background see the side bar...Question #22...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Thank you for adding my blog to your lists - hopefull we'll get more active viewing soon! Thanks also for your comments on mine - good advice!

Really interesting story as to how you got where you are today. I think I need to do write up my passage at some point. Not quite as interesting as yours, though!; August 14, 2008 at 8:01 AM

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Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.