Dunking Rachael: November 2011

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Parashat Vayishlach... Family

We are well within the final countdown to the Haftorah showdown! .... December 10th is our moment. We only have 3 more group practices before the big day, and I have started to hear the portions and prayers in my sleep. truly, I have dreams with the prayers as the sound tracks. I do need for this to be done.

This pending ritual has also brought out some family of origin discomfort. My family, Catholics, have been supportive of me and my second husband, but I do think this very public declaration of my Jewishness is causing some emotional ripples. It saddens me that this is starting to surface in what I perceive as unconscious ways, on the part of my family. Not a single family member will be able to attend this event despite weeks and weeks of notice. Perhaps I was being unrealistic to think someone from my family would come, but none the less it was my hope.

Being a convert at times is a lonely road. I am different from the most of the other women who are joining me on the 10th. Some of them them are having over 50 people come. I do feel a bit jealous that they are so supported. I have managed to cobble together 14 folks, friends and one of my husband's daughters and his brother and his partner.

I can not help but reflect on our Torah reading. It is after all about family, forgiveness and continuity but it is also about transformation.All this preparation for the big day has helped me notice how much I have changed over the past 5 years...so much has changed. Overall I am still clear and content with my choices, but the melancholia of December is starting to hit, and the recent issues (not worth detailing) with my parents and one of my siblings is hitting home how diffident I have become. The brothers in the Torah portion manage to put their disastrous history behind them, with an after all family is family attitude. Unfortunately I am not feeling that from mine....just a little sad.

Friday, November 18, 2011

why Write?

Inspiration comes from many avenues and it is clear I have not been inspired in any way for many many months...yet something happened last night that switched the switch..lit the fire...well you get the point. What flashed like a neon sign in my head

"only 20 something days left until my Bat Mitzvah."

This event has been sucking my life force away moment by moment. If you read through this blog there will be many themes which emerge. One, perfectionism, is my curse. I have been slain by Hebrew and troup! As a person with admitted learning disabilities I have struggled all my life to put into context my abilities and how I perceive myself as a thinking educated person. This slow motion march to mediocrity has been a drain on my self esteem (only to a point) and has pushed some of my least admirable behaviors. I have struggled with the multi leveled interpersonal issues of the class.....very strong personalities...no need to go further there...I have struggled with it all. Now please do not get the wrong idea, I am not sitting here ringing my hands in an anxiety fueled cold sweat. About two or so months ago I came to the conclusion I just had to finish what I started. Base line advice I give all parents in my therapy /social work practice...finish what you start! So I have let go of any expectations of being good...I am going for not embarrassing!...but last night's full class on the bima practice was beyond embarrassing! ...but is is almost done.......

almost...........

ReBoot!

Add caption

yes....Reboot...
to start again....
turn over a new leaf....
to wipe the slate clean....
carpe diem....
begin anew
you get the picture........
life moves on......

more to come....

Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.