Dunking Rachael: Its Hard to Be A Jew Alone

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Its Hard to Be A Jew Alone

Well I have taken a bit of a break from blogging, and for me blogging is truly a journal writing process...but I have not been feeling inspired....I don't want to whine....but that appears where my mood is....
As I re read what I had posted over the past year I realize I have been dealing with some depression but more descriptive melancholia.

"Melancholia (from Greek μελαγχολία - melancholia "sadness, lit. black bile"), also lugubriousness, from the Latin lugere, to mourn; moroseness, from the Latin morosus, self-willed, fastidious habit; wistfulness, from old English wist: intent, or saturnine, (see Saturn), in contemporary usage, is a mood disorder of non-specific depression, characterized by low levels of enthusiasm and eagerness for activity." (thanks wiki)
In the pre-modern science days "melancholia" could be physical as well as mental...which works for the combo of my mood and physical issues..

As I completed the holiday marathon these issues and moods seemed to grow....although we belong to a synagogue community...it is hard to find folks to celebrate with...the conservative group we are members of doesn't do the lets have sabbath dinner together type activities....I think that is the reason I fantasize about becoming orthodox...Yet from a philosophical standpoint going orthodox would never work for me. I yearn for an all encompassing community...it is hard to be Jewish alone...thank goodness my husband and I have each other...but the home based nature of "celebrations" only hit home the fact we have few options if we are choosing to be even somewhat observant.

Family issues, my husband, born Jewish divorced his first wife a number of years ago..thusly fallout from that continues to reverberate with his children... they don''t engage smoothly with him/us.....and bluntly my family is no where near Jewish and although they will put up with me and my religious choice to a certain degree, it is not like they are going to fill in for an exuberant Jewish community of support and celebration.

As we approach the uber cultural divide...the Xmass on slot..this sense of isolation is only growing...I have bought some Hanukkah decorations, knowing full well it is a "minor" holiday that has been commercialized because of its time of year...and pressures...none the less it is something for me to "do" to defend against the melancholia overload....

how do other converts cope?...those in the middle of Jewish nowhere....I find this all so difficult.....

5 comments:

Mair said...: Hi Rachael,
I converted to Judaism maybe 8 years ago in a conservative synagogue. Although I did occasionally get invited to holiday meals, shabbat was usually a go to shul--then everyone goes their own way. At the time I converted, I was married to a non-practicing Catholic and had 2 daughters. For many years, I had to create both holidays.

I too am drawn to orthodoxy. I've been lucky to get to know a number of orthodox jews and even worked as the executive director at a small orthodox shul where I used to live. What I've learned is that orthodoxy really does come in many flavors. It isn't an all or nothing branch. I feel the most comfortable in a modern orthodox shul now and much less so at a Conservative or Reform shul. I wouldn't be happy around ultra-orthodox people who were insular and judgmental. But many modern orthodox congregations are more laid back than you might realize.
Good luck on your journey.
Marilyn; December 9, 2009 at 1:49 PM
Karen Zampa Katz said...: 'Chanukah Sameach'

Thanks Marily for the post.... it is truly appreciated!; December 12, 2009 at 7:10 PM
Karen Zampa Katz said...: so soorrrrrrry...
I spelled your name wrong!
Thanks Marilyn!; December 12, 2009 at 7:11 PM
ohshhhhmamas said...: I know this is an old post, but as a semi-recently dunked Jew (I converted last June 3rd) with no Jewish family who's living in a place where the nearest synagogue is 2 hours away and I am quite literally the only Jew in town (and the next town, and the next town...), I just want to say I can totally relate. And I'm already beginning to feel the effects of the December dilemma this year, which was a bit easier last year when I was going through my conversion classes and living right down the street from my vibrant synagogue. It's lonely out here in "Jewish nowhere", I agree.; November 11, 2010 at 7:05 PM
Karen Zampa Katz said...: ohshhhhmamas,

the good news is that we are truly never alone....
yet concretly, as my post says it can be difficult.
I hope you find a meaningful way to engage in home rituals so that it fules you, and of course there are those of us in the virtual community out here to help...

if you havn't already you might want to check out the "Jews by choice" site... and "Empowering Ruth" both lovely communities with lots of support...

Shabbat Sholom

Karen; November 12, 2010 at 10:21 AM

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Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.