Dunking Rachael: November 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Its Beginning To Look A Lot Like.....

•Chanuka
•Chanukah
•Chanukkah
•Channukah
•Hanukah
•Hannukah
•Hanukkah
•Hanuka
•Hanukka
•Hanaka
•Haneka
•Hanika
•Khanukkah

(List from Holidays.net)

Ok I get it...I took the buzz kill class from the depressed/angry Rabbi that Chanuka is a minor holiday and that if one delves deeply it didn't even come into being because of "the miracle of the oil" but rather due to politics and fear in the Rabbinical era.

OK I get it...it was not created to compete with the Xmass Juggernaut....

OK I get it...

But I also know I miss the family memories\connection\Joy I received pre-dunk from decorating for "the holidays"... It was never about Jesus for me...overt religious symbolism was never a part of my schick. OK I get it, the idea of decorating for the holidays is religious symbolism...but I hope you are flexible enough to get what I mean.

In the before days...pre divorce...way pre conversion, I was married to a Jewish man who did not believe in anything religious....my self I identified as an ex catholic, Buddhist Unitarian Universalist. My holiday house was an eclectic mix...and Chanuka was a part of that mix.

Fast forward.......now married for the second time with only adult children...yet continuing to struggle with the December Dilemma....I have decided to throw myself into decorating for Chanuka with joy....the way I did it before, of course with a different subject.....not sure I will do a tree this year..(see last year's post December Dilemma for more info) But I have tried to connect to some of my favorite memories and am trying to rework them to fit the new aesthetic.

The thing I have fond memories of from my childhood and my daughter's childhood is the Christmas stocking.

I loved finding the little treasures...I would take, according to my family, too long exploring what was there...they would want to rush to the main event...but the stocking held mystery and joy for me. For my own child I elevated this ritual, I would take care and time to find just the right items...I would wrap them all...(my mom hated to wrap anything so nothing was wrapped for christmas...Santa didn't have to do it she would say)

So all this to say, I have made Chanuka stockings

addendum... (Jan 3rd)
just to be clear....all the decorations ...stockings and all were around for Chanuka only....and the stockings were used to deliver the daily gifts that were exchanged throughout the holiday.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Its Hard to Be A Jew Alone

Well I have taken a bit of a break from blogging, and for me blogging is truly a journal writing process...but I have not been feeling inspired....I don't want to whine....but that appears where my mood is....
As I re read what I had posted over the past year I realize I have been dealing with some depression but more descriptive melancholia.

"Melancholia (from Greek μελαγχολία - melancholia "sadness, lit. black bile"), also lugubriousness, from the Latin lugere, to mourn; moroseness, from the Latin morosus, self-willed, fastidious habit; wistfulness, from old English wist: intent, or saturnine, (see Saturn), in contemporary usage, is a mood disorder of non-specific depression, characterized by low levels of enthusiasm and eagerness for activity." (thanks wiki)
In the pre-modern science days "melancholia" could be physical as well as mental...which works for the combo of my mood and physical issues..

As I completed the holiday marathon these issues and moods seemed to grow....although we belong to a synagogue community...it is hard to find folks to celebrate with...the conservative group we are members of doesn't do the lets have sabbath dinner together type activities....I think that is the reason I fantasize about becoming orthodox...Yet from a philosophical standpoint going orthodox would never work for me. I yearn for an all encompassing community...it is hard to be Jewish alone...thank goodness my husband and I have each other...but the home based nature of "celebrations" only hit home the fact we have few options if we are choosing to be even somewhat observant.

Family issues, my husband, born Jewish divorced his first wife a number of years ago..thusly fallout from that continues to reverberate with his children... they don''t engage smoothly with him/us.....and bluntly my family is no where near Jewish and although they will put up with me and my religious choice to a certain degree, it is not like they are going to fill in for an exuberant Jewish community of support and celebration.

As we approach the uber cultural divide...the Xmass on slot..this sense of isolation is only growing...I have bought some Hanukkah decorations, knowing full well it is a "minor" holiday that has been commercialized because of its time of year...and pressures...none the less it is something for me to "do" to defend against the melancholia overload....

how do other converts cope?...those in the middle of Jewish nowhere....I find this all so difficult.....

Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.