Dunking Rachael: The Year of Living Jewishly: Passover

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The Year of Living Jewishly: Passover

A year has come and gone since I took that fateful dunk. so much has transpired and I feel there is yet so much to experience. It is sometimes difficult to comprehend the vastness of it all. This passover Holiday has proven to be a microcosm of the joys and sorrows, ups and downs I have been experiencing on this journey.

I managed to clean, and prepare. I had to make many compromises in my attempts to up my level of observance. I made a Seder that despite my vastly underestimating the amount of work and time it would take came out as I had envisioned. The preparations for the celebration felt like a surreal version of camping. I was in my home cooking but without most of the tools/pans/utensils I was accustom to. I was relieved that everyone appeared to enjoy it despite the back to basics nature of the preparations . I loved being able to fully embrace the holiday in the way women throughout the ages have; expressing themselves through the art of food and hospitality.

I also experienced some negative emotions in the form of private discord with my daughter (see the post entitled December Dilemma) My whole hearted embracing of the full household passover experience: covered counters, different dishes, packed up food and tied off cabinets etc.... caused some discord between us. After a few days I managed to find my courage to let her know how I was feeling. She wasn't understanding me, and I was only experiencing rejection and anger from her. Our communication had stalled, each fearful of questioning too much or hurting the other with our unspoken fears. My daughter fearing that I was someone she didn't know, "playing Jewish" and me fearful I would somehow alienate her and ultimately push her away.

It is the classic convert dilemma. How to embrace the new life but how to hold and support those loved ones who are not on the journey with you. This story also has the added difficulties of divorce and remarriage and and how we all are relating in this new family paradigm.

Then there have been the mundane revelations.

Passover is hard! Being Jewish is hard!

It isn't the not eating of bread etc, but the eating of only kosher for passover foods that has caused some strife in the household. My poor husband has had some of the scariest concoctions for dinner! In the past I had been a vegetarian, and that is what we have been mostly eating, but without beans the protein part has been difficult!

It is only Tuesday, and I must admit I need this holiday to be done. I want my kitchen and house back to the way is usually is. I am seriously outside of my comfort zone. I want to buy coffee out!....OK I know I am whining.....but I am sure you understand.

Despite my tantrums I do see the larger picture of it all.

I do realize that perhaps it is this very feeling of being outside of the comfort zone that the holiday is meant to manifest. To, in some small way, feel what it is like to embark on a journey of exile. For me a metaphoric journey of exile that has been manifested through immense change and concretely a journey of exile through a new world of day in and day out mitzvot.

They wandered in the desert for 40 years, it is my aspiration that I find my path a lot sooner.

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Beit Din test Question #22 "If you were to join the Jewish people......."

22) If you were to join the Jewish people, what considerations would guide you to that decision? How did your course help you to recognize some meaningful ideas to Judaism? Are there some things you have learned in the course that you find difficult to accept into your life?

I have been a thinker and a seeker for most of my life. I have explored many faiths, been involved in and have a keen interest in philosophy and psychology. I was raised in an Irish/Italian Catholic home. I lived as a Buddhist/Unitarian Universalist for most of my adult life and previously was married for 20 years to a Jewish man who did not practice his faith of origin. At the birth of my child, now 19, I sought to learn as much as I could about Judaism in order to expose this child to the faith of part of her ancestors. So I come to this new point in my life with all my experiences, knowledge and aspirations.

But the question remains how did I come to consider conversion? It is though love that the door of conversion was opened. I fell in love with a Jewish man who participates in his religion, yet he did not require me to convert, pressure me, or in any way attempt to persuade or force me. This exploration of faith was of my choosing, my volition, nurtured by love.

Clearly I am not dogmatically tied to my faith of origin, seeing that the religious expressions which dominated my adult life have been mostly non-theistic. The major change/challenge for me is in the consideration/acceptance of a theistic understanding of existence. Through explorations with my sponsoring Rabbi, reading, (lots of reading!) and the Hillel class I have come to an understanding of the divine, a place of relationship with a theistic point of view that resonates within me.

To help to articulate this I refer to the work of existentialist thinker and Jewish educator Franz Rosenzweig.

“The function of religion, according to Rosenzweig, is not to erect theological systems or establish universal truths, but to lead to experience of God, starting from one's own personal existence. He "commends 'the Pharisees of the Talmud and the saints of the Church' for knowing that 'man's understanding extends only so far as his doing.' Religious observance is, in effect, the doing of one's religious convictions; the two cannot be separated."
“(Time Magizine Monday, Jan. 01, 1951 , http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,814185,00.html)

For Rosenzweig the written word was to be less important than the living exchange, for it is in the doing that the relationship to God will manifest. This idea blends well with my own mindfulness practices. These practices express that it is in the awareness of the moment, the only moment we truly have, where peace and divinity can be experienced.
Through my answers on this exam, my participation in the class and my meetings with my sponsoring Rabbi, I believe I clearly present that I am coming to know, and hopefully I am beginning to understand the meaningful ideas in relationship to Judaism. Clearly there is so much to learn, and experience.

I am most taken by the direct experience of the divine associated with taking on the laws and practices of this ancient faith. I have aspirations to practice in this tradition, but once again they can be best articulated through Rosenzweig:
“Rosenzweig’s approach was subjective also in connection with the mitzvot, Jewish observances. He did think that he would one day become a fully observant Jew, but believed in the gradual approach in which the observances slowly made their impact by “ringing a bell” for him. Typical of this approach is Rosenzweig’s answer to someone who asked him whether he wore tefillin [phylacteries]: “Not yet,” he replied.”
(My Jewish Learning.com http://www.myjewishlearning.com/history_community/Modern/IntellectualTO/Rosenzweig.htm)

Like the bell of mindfulness practice, the mitzvot, the mindfulness practice of Judaism, will take time to incorporated and to resonate within. Like the ringing of the mindfulness bell, or the sounding of the Shofar, the act of doing Judaic practices pierces the daily, the mundane and hopefully will help to awaken me to an even richer and more connective relationship with the Jewish people and the divine.